The Longest Journey Begins with a Single Step - Part 3

I know I haven't been as good as you (or I, for that matter) would like me to be when it comes to updating the blog. I really haven't forgotten about you all. I have been insanely busy, but I don't want to make excuses and now that the majority of our holiday hoopla is over and done with, I'm really hoping to have more time to blog. That said, lets keep going with the journey, shall we?

So, about that light...

We were into my September 2010 cycle, our 16th month of trying. It had been a pretty typical cycle, much like any of the others. But despite the fact that it was our 16th month trying, I did still have a little bit of hope - you see, the month prior I'd had a psychic reading done by what we'd call a "baby psychic", who'd said I would conceive that cycle. Now, I didn't pay a lot for that reading ($8, if I remember right), and didn't put a lot of stock into the reading itself, but it did give me that little extra boost of hope. It was what I needed after 16 months of nothing.

Ovulation rolled around, we did what we had to do, amd I went through my two week wait fairly uneventfully. Toward the end I started having some of my typical AF symptoms - cramping, bloating, the works. That, combined with the fact that my temp was steadily heading downward along with a little bit of spotting on 12 days past ovulation, and I was convinced I was out that cycle.

Imagine my suprise when AF didn't show, and my temp went back up on 14 DPO. At that point I really couldn't resist testing. Hubby had been trying to convince me not to, saying it was still too early and that he didn't want me to be disappointed (bless his heart...), but into the bathroom I went and out came a Dollar Tree test. I provided my sample, pushed the test out of my vision, and waited.

While the test was doing its thing, I had a feeling come over me, an overwhelming feeling, that I needed to take a digital test. I, again, told hubby, and he, again, told me not to, trying to say that it would just be a waste of a test and yadda yadda. But, the feeling overtook me, I ignored his pleas, and dipped the stick anyway.

I held it in my hand, face up, the corner of the test window where the "not" would come up covered by my thumb. If I was going to be disappointed, I didn't want it to be sudden, and I wanted to find out on my own terms. The entire time I was sitting there in the bathroom, my heart was racing, my hands and the pee stick were visibly shaking. I was incredibly nervous, and to this day I don't know why. I'd taken several pregnancy tests prior to this and they'd all been negative every cycle; why would I expect this to be any different? Finally, I saw the result pop up on the digital, amd I slowly moved my finger away, not expecting to see what I saw. There was nothing under my finger, a blank canvas. No "Not". Instead, what stared back at me was the one word I'd been waiting to see for the last 16 months...

Pregnant.

Wait, what?!

PREGNANT?!

I yelled out to my husband, who ran into the bathroom and we stared at that little stick for the longest time, in complete and utter shock. Hubby decided he didn't believe it, so he dipped the other digital, which again, said pregnant. To say we were thrilled would be a complete understatement and we had absolutely no idea what to do with ourselves. My first thought was to call everyone I knew, but at the same time I was scared to tell people. Everyone did end up finding out within the week - they were all so excited for us, and we allowed ourselves to get excited over the prospect of a new baby. I was due July 4th, and that in itself was just amazing to me.

Little did we know our excitement was going to be short lived...

The Longest Journey Begins With a Single Step - Part 2

First off, I want to apologize for the huge delay in posting. Between work (including a huge schedule change), family, and holiday hoopla, I haven't had a chance to really sit down and write. So sorry.

So, where was I? Ah, yes - officially trying. I remember now.

So, in June 2009, after I'd finished my period for the month, we officially started trying. Now, I still use that term somewhat loosely, because let's be honest, at the time I really had no clue what I was doing. I knew that the gobs of clear goo I often found in my underwear about halfway through my cycle was likely fertile cervical mucous, and I knew that we were supposed to have sex around that time. Beyond that, though, I had no clue.

The first few months were kind of touch and go, doing what we had to do about midway through my cycle, occasionally seeing fertile CM at the same time; other times, we didn't see it until several days after. When we didn't get pregnant, I started looking into ways to increase our chances. I first learned of basal body temperature charting (hereafter known as BBT) about 4 months into our journey. I then found Fertility Friend, a site used to keep track of said temperatures. Prior to that point I didn't know much about it save for the fact that it was often lowest prior to ovulation; after ovulating, your temperature goes up and stays up for an amount of time (usually anywhere from 10-16 days), before going back down and then your period would come. According to Fertility Friend, it was only really good to confirm you ovulated; other than that it didn't tell you much. But, they said, if your temperature stayed elevated for more than 18 days post ovulation, it was a good sign you were pregnant.

Huh? What happened to "it's only good to confirm ovulation and nothing else"? Way to confuse me.

All things aside, the actual act of charting seemed to be easy enough, so I decided to give it a try. To make a long story short, I did this for 16 months, and did confirm that I was ovulating on my own each month, which was and is a good thing. But after 16 months of doing the same thing at the exact same time every single day really took a toll on me. It got to the point where I was abbout to make a phone call to my OB and ask for help. It had been over a year of trying at that point, and I was beginning to question whether or not there was some kind of issue. However, I was holding back; I was afraid of what I might be told and knew that infertility related issues were not covered by my insurance.

Little did I know, there was a small light at the end of that tunnel that I couldn't quite see. That little light, after months of trying, and sadness, and hundreds of tampons, was about to make its presence known, and QUICK!

Stay tuned! (and I promise it won't be as long of a delay this time.)

The Longest Journey Always Begins With a Single Step - Part 1

Okay, so now that we have my little intro out of the way, I guess it's time to go into how we got to this point.

My journey started out innocently enough. My husband, J, and I met in February of 2007. We got married in April of 2008. Up until that point, we'd used protection; condoms, mostly, but I'd had a single month during that time where I was on BCP to try to resolve a cyst. We always wanted kids (and I'd dreamed of being a mother ever since I was a little girl), but at that point it just wasn't the right time. The night of our wedding, we decided we were going to stop using protection, and for the next little while, figured, eh, whatever happens, happens.

You know, the 'ole "not trying, not preventing" scenario.

During that time, we...behaved like newlyweds...if you will, and each month, I got my period. Sometimes it was a perfect 28 day cycle (as a side note, in my teens I could predict my cycle like clockwork, right down to the time of day. Not so much now.), other times it was a 33-34 day cycle. Longer than perfect but still within normal range. Of course, I didn't think much of it, except for freaking out when my cycle was a day over 28 days and thinking I was pregnant - oops, false alarm! After all, we weren't trying. Why would I need to keep track of my cycles? Weren't we taught in health class that the very moment you have unprotected sex you'll be pregnant and your life would be doomed FOREVER?!

Yeeeaaahh...if I'd have only known then what I know now.

Fast foward to May of '09. Things had been tight, especially money wise, throughout the times previous - you know, first time really being out on our own, still putting ourselves through school and such, but at that point I'd found myself a good job and we could pay our bills and keep food on the table. Granted, we did (and still do) have quite a bit of debt, but we were at the point where we were able to keep our head above water, if you will. I don't remember what exactly sparked the conversation about trying to have a baby, but my husband, after months of saying it's not time, thought we were finally ready. On my next cycle in June, we could finally start trying.

I'll end this here, because it seems like a good stopping point (at least the cliffhanger's not too horrible!). Part 2 will be posted in a couple of days. Stay tuned!

Footprints in the Cement

It's been a long, rough, two-and-a-half-year long road with no sign of an ending...

A road that, if you'd have asked me back in June of '09 if I thought I'd still be dealing with this, I'd have told you no.

What is "this", you ask?

Infertility. Not just getting pregnant, in my case, but staying pregnant.

Infertility is somewhat of a taboo subject. So many feel like they don't want to talk about it, either because they are dealing with it themselves and feel it's too personal, or, for those who may not be dealing with it directly, don't want to talk about it for fear of hurting someone else.

I am not either of those.

Yes, fertility struggles and pregnancy loss are a very personal journey. But I am here to put my story out there. To show others that may be dealing with fertility issues that they are not alone. To vent. To retrace the footprints that have been left in my cement, a constant reminder of where I've come from. A reminder that the past will always be there; and never go away.

Delving further into my journey is a long story; a story meant for another day. For now, I invite you to join me in not only retracing those steps, but creating new ones.

Are you ready?